i can't sleep again.

sometimes i wonder what would happen if i just erased myself and started again. throw an empty roll of film into a dark room and see what develops.

close your eyes. tell me something new.

learn to differentiate between yourselves.

sometimes i wonder what it would be like to close my eyes and fall asleep and just live in my own head for the rest of my life. everyone's a little different, in a "same piece, different puzzle " kind of way.

they'res only a few people in this world that don't make me sick to my stomach.

they'res only a few people in this world that are worth it all. they are the people that make you want to sit back and watch the stars burn out in the midnight sky. after all, the sky is just a puddle of ink, just like words on paper.

it's all relative.

sometimes i wonder what could happen. if i closed my eyes and counted to ten, would you still be there? or would you run off like you always do?

sometimes i wonder what would happen if you hugged me. would you hug me? i doubt it.

sometimes i feel like an outsider in my own head. i can hear the echo bounce off the walls. no one is there. but i'm still unwanted.

sometimes i wish it could be night time all the time.

sometimes i just want to sit in my basement and write all day instead of facing you. you terrify me.

i'm intruiged.

i bet you're rubbing your eyes and wondering what the fuck is going on. i bet you're waking up in a strange alleyway with a bottle of whiskey in hand.

i wonder if you care.

mostly, i just want to stargaze on your roof and wonder if i'll ever get there.

mostly, i want someone to read my writing and say something. this is not meant to be beautiful. this is not meant to be a starry-eyed kid's reflection in the mirror.

mostly, i just corrode.

i want to go through the looking glass. ive got the alice in wonderland complex. everything makes more sense when they'res no one else trying to crack the puzzle. i want my own little world, where everyone understands it the first time around and words go unspoken and hearts go unbroken and everything is beautiful in a depressing sort of way.

i want to spill my thoughts on to a piece of paper, like a gory sort of alphabet soup. i want you to take one look at it and say "i understand completely."

a lot of the time, what i say means something else in my head. i feel like ive got a secret agenda, one so secret that i don't even know what it is yet. i feel like i'm hiding from myself, and to be honest, i'm enjoying the chase.

i want to finally understand what comes out of my mouth half of the time.

i want to know why i spend most of my waking hours trying to make people laugh. i want to know why i lie awake in bed, thinking of everything. i want my head to shut the hell up for once.

i want to stop being so goddamn selfish all the time.

i want to stop pissing people off with my words and my actions.

i want to stop daydreaming during awkward silences, not even noticing that the other person is uncomfortable.

i want my mother to stop telling me that she doesn't know who i am anymore. that i'm drifting away. that i'm falling apart.

goddamn it. i'm trying. can't anyone see that?

i want to break the mould. i want to be different. i want to be the best writer in the world, but all i can think about are shitty cliches and dishwater yesterdays.

i'm a shipwreck. watch me sink off the pier. cue applause. kodak moment. take a picture. walk away.

it's all over. wash your eyes in rubbing alcohol and turn off your computer screen.

it wasn't worth it.